— USING WHAT I HAVE TO GET WHAT I WANT

This is the first installment of my music journaling series.

Since 2018, I've been making quarterly playlists that serve as the soundtrack to that moment of my life and a musical journal entry. I see each song as a channeled message from my higher self, communicating through music to give me exactly what I need for that moment or to warn me of what's to come.

This playlist feels like a mix of both.

I'll walk you through this quarter's playlist and will be back next quarter to do the same. There are 13 songs and 13 reasons why.

Buckle up; it's gonna get hippie-dippie (woo-woo).

— QUARTER 2 | 2024

click the link above to listen to the playlist in it’s entirety, for my Spotify peeps, sorry I haven’t made it there yet🫣

The number of times I've played this song is inhumane, and I wish I had some grand message to share about it, but it's simple. I'm breaking up with being a victim and starting to see myself as a champion. Ever since I successfully pushed a baby out of my vajeen, I can look back on my life and recognize that things weren't happening to me—they were happening for me, to get me to the place I am now. I truly used to feel invisible, now I KNOW I’m invincible.

Right after I had the baby, my man took me to one of the nicest grocery stores I've ever been in (random, I know). It was a simple thing and probably sounds insignificant, but I LIVE for a fancy-ass store, and this one was like Whole Foods on steroids. It was just so thoughtful and showed how tuned in he is to what I needed to feel normal after giving birth. It reminded me exactly why I fell in love with him in the first place. So when this song played in the car after we left, I really had to think... I truly don't believe I'd be where I am without him in my life.

The first night we brought the baby home, I woke up out of my sleep at around 3 a.m., SOBBING and worried about the baby. I can't quite explain the panic that poured out of me, but I had never felt that mix of love and emotions before. The next day, I randomly found this song, and it perfectly encompassed what I felt. I didn't know I was capable of feeling that happy mix until my baby showed me how.

When I get a little depressy, or better yet, when I'm deep in reflection, I think of all the things I've had on my mind and heart for so long that I've never let out. There's a lot of fear of rejection wrapped up in that, but then I remember that sharing my thoughts and feelings is my contribution to the world. My goal is to make a difference by being open. I've definitely cried to this song for my inner child, and I see it as my present and future self comforting her by saying, 'I will go and do the things we were once afraid to do.' It's okay to pass the baton and share, not only for the younger version of me who needs it, but for others who might need it as well.

Speaking of my future self, this song came to me directly. A couple of days or weeks post-delivery, it popped into my head, and I had literally never heard it before. The line 'you must believe, you must believeee me' kept looping in my mind. Even though it's written as a love song, just focusing on the chorus and the bridge, I knew there was something there for me. Because I'm no stranger to the woo-woo of life, I recognized it as a message from my future self to believe that things are going to work out, no matter what this present moment looks like. I still loop that line in my head to remind myself that any hard or confusing moment will pass, just as they have in the past.

Thug should be released just based on how amazing this song is. How altruistic of him to remind us that life will keep going, so you might as well risk it all for the chance to run it up. I would stand by him in a court of law for what this song means to me. It's a reminder that my lifetime is just a tiny blip in the history of the world, and working hard in the pursuit of what I want—digits, money, munyun—is just what a hustler does.

For some reason, I am on a mission to make it to Pitt's homecoming this year. This song inspired it. When I reflect on all that has passed and how much I have grown since I left that place, I AM LITERALLY A NEW ME. It feels so good to say that, especially when I spent so long praying to escape that version of myself and all the sticky feelings that came with being at Pitt. I feel like going back, feeling much more healed, will do something incredible for my psyche and help me become an even newer me.

The bunch and I have been heavy into Music League (an app I highly recommend), and in our first round, we had to put up a song we're embarrassed to stan. I won the round with this song. I have no idea how I found it, but Luh Tyler is going triple platinum in this household. He literally skated on this damn song, and I vibe with his focus and conviction when he talks about getting money.

I'm calling it—this is a hit that sticks like grits. When she hits that note on 'till the day that I die,' I transcend! Every time I listen to this, I look at all my loved ones and understand that we are simply finding our way back to each other from our past lifetimes. It especially puts me in my feels when it's just me, my baby, and my man doing something together. It's like, whoa, we found each other again, and I am so so thankful for that.

Another channeled song that came to me and reiterated itself through seeing a license plate with the word “Miracle,” on it while in the car with my sister Miracle. I'm still waiting to see what the miracle is, but every time I've been getting worked up recently, the line 'it feels like blessings keep falling in my lap' plays, and I'm just trying to bring that into my reality and believe that line is not happening for no reason. Also, when he talks about writing four different songs at once and doing things for freedom—that resonates with me. Never have I had as much fun working and committing to something as with my TikTok challenge and this newsletter.

The first time I heard this song is now a core memory of mine. I had never really listened to Lil’ Kim before, but as I mentioned in my last entry, this song hasn't stopped playing since it was sent to me. Every single line feels like I could have written it myself—especially when she said, 'Just cause you got a head start don't make you the strongest, he who burns last burns the longest.'

I've spent too much time wishing I had the motivation and dedication to pursue my creative practices as much as I have been recently. But then I remind myself of that line. I feel in my spirit that what I'm doing now is what I'm meant to be doing, and just because someone started before me doesn't negate what I have to share and the kind of lasting creator I will become.

This is manifestation music! This is also how I want to live my life—BIG! When I tell you I close my eyes and imagine the lyrics being true to my life, I mean I really get into it! 'We stop in Mykonos just to shop, we don't stop.' 'If it's exotic, y'all, I got it, y'all.' Yeah, that's what I'm trying to manifest.

This is also how I feel now that I'm on my third entry of the newsletter and day 19 of my challenge, with more than a couple of things in the queue for what's to come. I'm literally going big, and the people who get it and see it, really GET it.

Mark this newsletter as me saying Anycia is next. I think I'm an A&R and have an eye for this stuff (and I was right about Summer Walker, City Girls, and Meg, so I think I have some credibility). I have to play this as a reminder when I'm being hard on myself. Because at the end of the day, and how I felt by the end of the quarter, is that I always do what I need to do, and I'm always going to make money. Nothing will ever, everrrr stop that.