My way of bringing back the joy of spilling my every aching thought on the internet.

— IT’S NOT ENOUGH TO START

You have to be able to maintain. 

By you I mean me.

I’m sooo good at initiation but when it comes to sticking to something? I have to fight to do so. I love the allure of a new project and avoid the responsibility of sustaining consistent action to reach my target. A couple weeks ago I figured out the root of why I do that and I’ll explain in the next section, but right now I’m realizing that avoidance of responsibility is slowing down my growth personally and professionally.

Part of the problem is not taking proper time to slow my mind down at the start of the day and stay focused on my daily priorities rather than jumping around from task to task and letting the day sweep me away. It’s something I’m now committed to changing.

In other news,

• My baby has started to roll over on her own and eat purées. I am crying and throwing up over it. It feels like I just ripped to my assshole bringing her in this world now she’s eating applesauce??? Please pray for me. It’s going too fast!

• Y’all know how I told y’all i got into grad school? Well, after not taking no for an answer when it comes to getting my $2,000 entrance deposit waived I’ve officially accepted my place in the class. *hits the meanest Dougie you’ve ever seen*

• I struggle with how much of my relationship to reveal because even though it is one of my favorite parts of my life I don’t want to shine too much light because it’s not actually up for discussion, but like I have so many thoughts around it and how it has attributed to my evolution and the journey of it is SUCH a story to tell about the kinda gworl I am and how I don’t fuck around when it comes to making the life I want.

  • I’ll share a thought here though: There’s a funny part about long term relationships where you get sooo comfortable and secure in your safe haven together that you forget to honor the part of yourself that lead there. The kind of girl I was to get to the woman I am now was young, wild, free, and hell to deal with. I loved that girl! I miss her! I’m coming back to her now and it feels so good.

Think of this as the story time corner. Here I’ll be reflecting on what makes my lore my own with the hopes you'll find a piece of yourself in it too.

— JONAH COMPLEX

Have you ever heard of the Jonah Complex?

I hadn’t until I read this article a couple of weeks ago.

It’s defined as:

When I read this it was like my world broke open like the dragon tales stone. I had finally figured myself out!

In all my years, except for the past month, I have stopped myself when I felt I was, “getting too big for my britches,” and would hide away, afraid I had taken up too much space.

I always thought that was just me and that I liked to isolate, but when I dug deep and got to the root of it all - I realized I let hearing I was, “too much,” and “too emotional,” or simply seeing people get praised for being small and demure - what I knew I was the exact opposite of - make me fear what would happen if I said idgaf i’m gonna be who I’m gonna be.

In the past, being my biggest self and taking up all the space I could was not only too much but would come at the expense of social rejection. Something I cared too much about for too long just to realize the people who were rejecting me did so because they were losers anyway. The possibility of succeeding scared me because I knew I’d have to be vulnerable enough to put myself out there and brave enough to push myself to consistently do so. So, I didn’t. I avoided the spotlight as much as I could which some of you may say, “no you didn’t,” but if you compare how I showed up in my life in 2016 when I wouldn’t even try to apply for a big thing that could change my life out of fear of not being able to handle what came after versus now where not only will I apply but I will go through every door and window trying to figure out how to make it and trust that I’ll be able to figure the rest out later - there’s a stark difference.

To rid myself of my Jonah Complex looks like embracing all parts of my self and knowing that I’ll never be too much for the right people and to deny myself the full possibility of my life by evading responsibilities and my full creative capabilities is doing a disservice to myself.

Something I am unwilling to do any longer.

Ya girl loves all things hippy and woo woo so I'll be sharing random tidbits on current transits, resources, and tips to help you start connecting the dots in your life through info on the metaphysical.

After I learned about the Jonah Complex, I stumbled across this video. Being rejected for being myself by those people was actually a gift of redirection and this video helped me see that.

A foray into the mind of someone with so many thoughts and not so many places to put them.

ARTICLE

TIK TOK

I love to yap about shit that's most definitely not my business in pop culture. I'll be sharing my two cents - and then some, so please feel free to reply to this email and share yours too.

— A quick 3 thoughts:

1. Does anyone else watch Don’t Call Me White Girl? Why did I see a video that she backed out of a show 3 hours before it happened leading the lady to get evicted. Now I don’t know if Mona is actually responsible for the eviction process but it was tea.

2. City muthafuckin Cinderella! Now, I can’t sit here and say I love the project top to bottom because that’d be a lie, BUTTT she does have some bops on there. Uncle Al? Red Flowers? Servin? 90’s Baby? Them onesssss I’m telling you!

3. This is very late and for a niche audience but Ekane, Ekane, Ekane... I really really liked her even with the chaos surrounding her because it felt transparent and like real life. But to see all the videos of the way she talks about darker people is so sad to me. Like, I was actually engaged in her content and to then see all that? I’m like c’mon bro why do you have to be a dummy with the rest of them then blame it on “anger,” like girl bye that’s how you really feel.

My parting lesson, question, or word of advice—it'll vary each time, but it'll always be something to help you tap into your best self - starting today.

— Ask yourself: 

Are you really afraid of failure or are you afraid of the possibility of success and all that comes with it?